The Four Week Reimagining Age Challenge
Week Two, Meet Your Inner Ageist
Welcome to Week Two in the Re-Imagining Age Challenge
“Ageism is a human rights and social justice issue that is critical now, as millions of people cross the threshold into late life.” ~ Connie Zweig, PH. D. from The Inner Work of Age
Last week, I overlayed a version of the Heroine’s Journey onto the passage of aging. The point is not that one somehow “applies” the Heroine’s Journey to age. The point is that we are already living that journey. Awareness of the hero’s arc helps us to see the markers, symbols and metaphors that can guide us to better embrace the accumulating years. We live in a country, in a time that is fraught with ageism, and part of the problem with ageism is that we all have an inner ageist.
The young dude that just delivered these words, “okay Boomer,” like I was a total idiot is the problem. The late night comedian who makes derogatory jokes about aging is the problem. The waitress who ignores me to wait on someone younger, first – she’s the problem! Except that those instances are only part of the problem. We are the other part. Another reason to realize that we’re are living a Hero’s Journey. The journey is filled with challenges meant to bring us to a greater understanding of who and how we are in the world now, and who we could potentially be.
In my sixties, I dyed my hair. I got Botox and injections to help hide the deepening lines on my face. I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but I did those things in an attempt to hang onto youth and because I secretly had fears about how I looked as I aged. I bought into all the advertisements where women proclaimed their friends couldn’t believe they were in their fifties or sixties because of some product or procedure they’d had. But then Covid came, and I stopped dying my hair. I stopped getting Botox or anything else, and I began to meet my inner ageist as I was turning seventy.
There should not be shame or apologies for one’s age, but that can only happen when we stop denying that aging is happening to us, not just to those people down the street. How can I be an activist against ageism? When I look at other marginalized groups, for example the gay community, I ask myself, how is it that they were able to push back on the bad jokes, stereotypes and tropes of their community? A late night talk show host won’t make derogatory jokes about being gay, because more and more diversity is not only acceptable, it’s desirable. But, a television host will easily mock old people. Ageism may well be the last bastion of political incorrectness.
What we can learn from the gay community is this: They were able to individually and collectively own their identity without apologies or shame. No putting up with mockery or disdain from outside groups. They worked an activism of self-love. And yes, it goes without saying the society still has work to do with regard to inclusion. Still, the ownership of where one is in life on one’s own journey is powerful and empowering.
“When we reject the negative messaging and build a conscious relationship with our inner ageist, we can shape late life differently: as a vital stage of adult development for continuing our emotional and spiritual growth.” ~ Connie Zweig, PH. D. from The Inner Work of Age
It’s not only physical appearance that we are afraid of, we fear being seen as insignificant, or useless. We live in a country that is prejudiced by how people look. When bodies, skin, and connective tissue begin to change we can be embarrassed by it or judging of it. I’ve looked into the mirror many times and asked, “what happened to my neck?” I’m practicing though, I look into the mirror now and I try to see love in my eyes and happiness in my smile. I’m aware that bodies break down as part of the natural order of things, even though at times when I’ve caught my reflection, I’ve judged all those breakdowns in myself. We all have an inner ageist and in order to make peace with who we are, we need to own our aging process, and see that the process does not strip us of purpose, value, wisdom or significance.
If we are uncomfortable in our own ski at this age, it’s easy to project our inner ageist onto others. Positive attitudes about getting older contribute to health span and life span. Positivity begins with self-acceptance and self-love. The path from adult to Elder is one of curiosity, engagement with the world, creativity, and being of service to others, through volunteering or activism, good connective tissue or not. These are qualities that can be curated and nourished. These are qualities which distinguish us as the Elders, we were meant to be.
Some questions worthy of our contemplation and sharing are:
Can you trace your ageism back to an earlier time in life?
Did you have positive role models of aging or negative ones as you were growing up?
What do you fear most about aging?
How do you feel about your biological age?
What is your list of negatives about growing older?
What is your list of positives about growing older?
I hope that you’ll share some of your thoughts about the inner ageist and how you work with them to own your Eldering as a sacred passage.
Suggested Reading:
Ashton Applewhite, This Chair Rocks
Connie Zweig, PH.D., The Inner Work of Age
Joan Chittister, The Gift of Years
, Oldster Magazine
In the mid-twentieth century old was old--my grandmothers, probably younger than I am now, were not role models of aging. But in the late 20th century, we had strong role models--Gloria Steinem, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, among others My biggest fear about aging is probably death--I am enjoying this phase of my life, still feel I have lots to do, and don't want to lose it. That is closely followed by a dislike of becoming insignificant, but I recognize that and fight back when I can. I am disturbed by friends, often younger than I am, who resist aging and are coy about their age. I think I've learned a lot, even in the last ten years, and I am enjoying being able to do pretty much whatever I want. My life was not always easy--I raised four children as a single parent--but now I think I'm reaping the rewards of that life. If I sound complacent, I am not. I am most grateful and realize I am most blessed. As for curtailed activities--no more entertaining on a large scale, not much travel--I have wonderful memories.
You give us a lot to think about, Stephanie. I am enjoying this series! I think my tendency for most difficult things, including my age, is to make light of it or joke about it. It usually helps relieve the stress, but I know that's not always appropriate. One of my biggest fears with aging is losing my eyesight. I am extremely near-sighted and have been told I am at risk of having retina detachment. Also, I own the Connie Zweig book but haven't ever read it. You've inspired me to pull it out and begin. Thanks!